Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
