yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
