how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
