I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
