just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
