Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
