i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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