i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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