i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
