I wish my penis had an off switch
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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