As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
