Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
