He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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