just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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