My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
