Your mouth is God's brothel.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
