I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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