got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
