listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
