I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
