there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
