I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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