the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
