For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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