she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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