if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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