her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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