My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
