so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
