Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
