Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
