I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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