My room smells like vodka and shame
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
