I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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