not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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