so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize