I'm going to rape someone's good day.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
