I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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