Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
