Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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