I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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