I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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