I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
