Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
