I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
