8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
