I need help removing her.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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