I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
