Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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