Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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