please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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