Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
