The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
