Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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