the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
