I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
there's paper in my vomit.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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