I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
