the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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