he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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