Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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