I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
