at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
