I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
