On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
