I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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