I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
