I think my fart just growled at me.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
